First snow 01.13.16 // Personal

Indiana has had a pretty mild winter up until this week when we finally got our first major snow, ice, bad roads, extreme cold, and all that fun stuff. I like the snow, I really do, because the first snowfall is so fresh and clean and pretty. But if it's extremely cold with bad roads, I begin to hate it pretty quickly, because it keeps me cooped up and I start burning up with a major case of cabin fever. Today, however, a lot of snow has been melting, so I was glad that I took a few pictures of Eva in the snow yesterday, even though it was so cold we were barely out fifteen minutes before we had to go back inside with red, burning hands. Eva loved it though, even with getting severely cold. Unfortunately we weren't prepared with a hefty winter coat for her, even though I bundled her up with three pairs of clothing underneath her little coat, which is why she got too cold so fast, yet she still didn't want to go inside! 

As you'll see below, despite her gnarly faces in a couple of pictures, she enjoyed the snow, but I don't think she quite likes getting her picture taken. Don't let the few cute pictures I take of her fool you. Sometimes I honestly don't know how I get a few pictures of her to turn out, because even with everything I try to bribe her with, nothing is enough to entice her to stand still for one minute, look at the camera, and smile. I never would've expected my child to be the worst subject I've ever tried to photograph...

Thoughts on being best friends with your spouse // Personal life (and 3rd year anniversary pictures)

Growing up I never had a lot of friends, and never a best friend. That was, until I met Dannie as a young man, when interest sparked after years of despising him as a little boy. And when I say despised, I don't mean that I hated him, just the mere thought of being anything more than casual friends (you can read more of our story here). We grew up playing together, with all our siblings, but we were never best friends. That was, until the end of 2011 and all of 2012. 

We became inseparable in mind and friendship, obviously, because that friendship developed into much deeper feelings, which then resulted in marriage. But I have say, I don't think I would call him my best friend anymore. At this point, my mom is probably the closest best friend I've ever had, because Dannie is so much more. He's more than just my best friend, because he's my husband, which means he's also my lover, confidant, father of my daughter, leader, protector, etc. Friendship is definitely critical in a marital relationship, but it goes so much further than being best friends.

The marriage relationship is sacred. These days, I sometimes feel as if Dannie and I are mortal enemies rather then best friends, but that's just part of the process (and we got married so young that we still haven't quite grown up yet, hence irrational hormones and flaring tempers). We're learning to live together in harmony, despite flaws and imperfections which are many. It's a hard road, and I constantly want to give up (just being honest here). But because Dannie is so much more than my best friend, we keep pressing on to something bigger, grander, and higher. Friendships crash and burn all the time, and because everyone marries their "best friend," maybe that's part of the reason why so many marriages do too. 

Marriage is a lifelong commitment, one that should not be taken lightly, but so many people do. I did. I thought I was perfectly rational in embracing marriage so young, but I was blinded by emotion. I used to think Dannie was my best friend, until I did a lot of reading and studying on the marital relationship and realized I was aiming rather low.

Best friends have separate lives, while a spouse is bound to the other financially, physically, emotionally, and legally. True best friends are loyal, but a spouse is committed for life no matter what, "for better or for worse." Two people in a marriage relationship build a life together, and that entails so much more than being best friends! 

Marriage is a constant sanctifying process that never ends, and God gave marriage a noble purpose of responsibilities way beyond any other human relationship, which then brings on the responsibilities of parenthood. No relationship is easy, marriage being even more difficult, but that's because it's supposed to be so much better in every way than any other relationship. So here's me saying that Dannie is not my best friend, he's so much more; he's my husband, life partner, and other half of my being.

I realized the other day that I'd forgotten to blog the pictures I did of Dannie and I on our 3rd year anniversary back in October, so what more fitting post than this!

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I'm a perfectionist, which is a huge downfall sometimes, and so many times I get frustrated at Dannie because he's not perfect, or isn't the way I'd like him to be. But it's okay to embrace our flaws, because that's what makes us human. True, strive to be more like Christ everyday, but don't have unrealistic dreams of a perfect spouse, because there isn't one. Cut up, let loose, and have some fun rejoicing in the fact that God made each of us in different ways, and we shouldn't put each other down because they're not our ideal. Too often I get extremely upset that I didn't marry my ideal man, and so I'll demean Dannie's attributes, even if it's unknowingly (or just not caring), when really, God knew what He was doing, because He gave me an even better man than I deserve. He's hard working and very loyal, which is difficult to come by these days. With Dannie I can be 100% Rachel- my sarcastic, goofy, try-to-be-funny, laugh-at-myself, red-haired-tempered-self that is usually hidden under an exterior of shyness, embarrassment, and appropriate and proper behavior. I'm totally an introverted extrovert, y'all.

A birthday story of 11.12.13 // Personal Life

Today I celebrate life. 

More specifically, the live of Evangeline Rose Law. 

Today is my Eva's birthday. The past two years have came and gone so quickly, I swear I blinked. The emotions of seeing and holding her in my arms for the very first time are, occasionally, still so fresh and raw. I had to have an emergency cesarean delivery because I wouldn't dilate any further than 4, Eva was stuck in the birth canal, and the doctor was worried about her rapid heart rate and my blood pressure. Nothing went according to plan. I was scheduled to be induced on my due date, but Eva didn't come until two days later, which was by c-section. I was an emotional wreck, and extremely disappointed that nothing was going as I'd planned. But something I've come to find out is that our plans never go according to plan. Ultimately, it's all in God's hands.

Anyway, I had already had an epidural for 5-6 hours by the time the doctor decided a cesarean delivery was necessary. I had started feeling contractions come on pretty strong again, which of course meant the epidural wasn't effective anymore. I was taken back to surgery and prepped, where they gave me a few more doses, but I was still experiencing pain, especially when the doctor poked me in the abdomen with something sharp (I was hit with a horrible thought that I was going to feel the knife cut through my belly, and the doctors pull my baby out). They told me they couldn't give me a spinal, since I had already had an epidural, and I heard something mentioned about putting me under. I was so scared for some reason, lying on that table, staring up at a big light, in pain, shaking uncontrollably (seriously, I couldn't stop, as hard as I tried), and not knowing what was about to happen. It didn't help that I was stretched out on what seemed like a torture table, with my arms spread out wide and all. The next thing I knew someone put something over my mouth and nose, which at first made me feel so claustrophobic that I couldn't breathe, until someone gently told me too. 

I don't remember anything after that, until I groggily woke up back in my room. Everything was blurry, everything hurt, especially my throat and chest from the tube they put down my throat. Almost immediately a nurse started pushing on my stomach and I practically screamed in pain. I was so disoriented, and it was the weirdest feeling I've ever experienced, waking up like that and not remembering anything. Dannie was sitting by my side, my hand in his, and I remember his voice was so soft and gentle as he called my name, which was the first thing I heard. There was only one thought in my mind, which were my first words, "where's my baby?" I felt like my voice was slurred, and I couldn't say what I wanted. Because I was so emotional I felt frantic, wondering where Eva was. Dannie told me she was still getting cleaned up, and it wasn't long before a nurse brought her in. 

I wish I had a bottle of those emotions I felt as they laid her on my chest. I was crying, but my tears weren't so much from the pain as they were from joy and overwhelming love. Eva was born 8 pounds 4 ounces, 20.5 inches, so she wasn't exactly a tiny baby, but there in my arms she felt so small and breakable. It took me weeks before I felt like she wasn't going to break just from holding her. I was overjoyed that I finally had my baby in my arms, but some of those tears were also because I completely missed out on her birth, and that really distressed me. For the longest time I was a little angry inside that I wasn't awake when she was born, and that I missed out, not only a natural delivery, but also on being awake during her birth. It still bothers me somewhat if I dwell on it, but thankfully not near like it used to. In the end, all that mattered was a happy, healthy baby, born with no extreme complications.

The following two nights Dannie and I didn't get much sleep, because Eva kept us up most of the night crying. She absolutely wouldn't sleep unless one of us walked around with her. As soon as we'd stop, try to lay her down, or even sit down ourselves, she'd wake up and start wailing. I was excessively wore out, so I was actually relieved when the nurses had to take her away for a bath. My eyes just wouldn't stay open, and plus it hurt to even move in the slightest. Dannie helped out as much as he could, but even he needed rest. Another thing that didn't help was Eva had some trouble for a couple of days when I'd try to breastfeed her, but there I was, a new mom, and even though I was the oldest of eight kids, I had absolutely no idea what to do. I felt like an overwhelmed failure, but thank God for the nurses who helped me over and over again when Eva just wouldn't eat. It's not that she wouldn't eat, but that she had trouble learning how at first. Thankfully after a couple of days/extremely long nights she (and I) got the hang of things and didn't have anymore difficulty. 

We were able to take Eva home on the following Thursday night (she was born on a Tuesday night at 7:40), and honestly, as much as I yearned to be in the comfort of my own home, I wondered why in the world the doctor would even let us leave, when I felt like I didn't know enough to take care of a wee little baby. However, those fears calmed down after a few days of settling into routine and normal life again. The first couple of nights home were pretty difficult, as Eva just wouldn't sleep, which of course stressed us out since we couldn't sleep, but it wasn't long before she was sleeping at least somewhat through the night. I found that swaddling her in a cocoon really helped, as well as being near me. Until about 6-9months she'd still wake up a couple of times during the night, nurse, and then go back to sleep. But I was thankful, because that meant sleep for me, and I'd heard stories from mothers whose babies would wake up every two hours to nurse, so I knew I didn't have it too bad.

Ever since then it's been constant learning. Being first time parents is never easy (although being parents, no matter how many times over, is never easy either), and Dannie and I are learning just as much as Eva is. We have failed in so many areas, and continue to fail every day, but no one's perfect, which is why we don't have perfect kids. We're all human, and we all make mistakes, but the key is faith and consistency. It's tempting to give up when it seems hopeless, and sometimes we wonder why even keep trying? But it's all worth it, every little bit of pain and hardship, because it's a little life that God has entrusted to us, to raise for Him and His glory.

Life is always worth celebrating, because it is such a precious gift- one that too many people take for granted. I'm so thankfully for the tradition of birthdays, that give each and every one of us a specific day to celebrate our life with family and friends. Today is all about Eva's life, even as short as it's been thus far, and the hope of celebrating many more in the future. I talk about her going through the "terrible twos" stage, and in the past few months I've been very frustrated as she daily tests my patience with her stubborn, rebellious, independent spirit, but never do I regret becoming a mom at 19. It would be easy to wonder what life would be like at 21 with no child responsibilities, but that would be terribly selfish. We live in such a selfish generation that young people don't want responsibility, especially when it comes to kids, but  I'm so thankful it was God's plan to bless me and Dannie with a child so early on in our marriage. She was taught us in countless ways, and helped us grow and mature together as a couple.

I wanted to write this post for remembrance of my birth story, what few details I can actually still remember after two years (I blame it all on my mom brain), but I'd also like to wish my sweet Evangeline a Happy Birthday, even though she's two and doesn't grasp the meaning of today. But I do, and even though she won't remember anything from these early years, I will. Happy Birthday, sweet girl. You are so loved so much.